


Keep from Drowning

by hunenka



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Episode: s15e04 Atomic Monsters, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-02-01 04:10:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21371707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunenka/pseuds/hunenka
Summary: Dean’s been trying to keep a lid on his doubts and fears. Get his shit together. Put on a smile and a brave face, crack a few jokes, be the silly big brother to cheer Sam up. Help him carry the load.Only Dean’s back is close to breaking under his own load.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 43





	Keep from Drowning

Dean talks, opening up more than he has in… longer than he can remember. He talks so much he veers straight into chick flick territory, but he bites the bullet and keeps on talking anyway, trying to make things right in a way Sam might appreciate more than being dragged out to work a case. Because _that_ plan backfired like hell.

Turns out, so does this one. Because Sam opens right back up, giving Dean a punch to the gut when he tears up, admitting sometimes it’s so bad he can barely breathe. Adding, in a small lost voice that breaks Dean’s heart, that maybe he’ll feel better in the morning.

“And what if you don’t?” Dean asks and immediately wishes he hadn’t.

"I don’t know.“ Sam looks away, huddling up in his coat.

Dean’s fingers twitch on the steering wheel. It would be so easy to send the car into the opposite lane, under the nose of the oncoming eighteen-wheeler. A small movement of his hands and they’d be done, it would be over. No more pain, no more loss, no more heartbreak.

He's been toying with this idea almost all his life, and Billie's threat a few years back to throw them into the Empty, the nothingness of no return, just made it all the more appealing. Some days, the thought of an ending, final and permanent at last, is the biggest comfort he can find.

Like always, Dean shakes his head and leaves it at that—a comforting dream. For now. The Impala stays firmly in its lane and the truck passes them, and they carry on.

Flicking his eyes over to Sam, Dean lets out a slow, controlled breath.

Ever since Sam’s “I don’t know what to do” freakout back in the crypt, Dean’s been trying to keep a lid on his doubts and fears. Get his shit together. Put on a smile and a brave face, crack a few jokes here and there, be the silly big brother to cheer Sam up. Help him carry the load.

Only Dean’s back is close to breaking under his own load. And he’s had to pace himself, pick his battles, choose how much additional weight he can take on before he gets crushed. Prioritize. Decide that some things just won’t make the cut—like Cas and his cries for attention, pushed aside because Dean couldn't spare time or energy for that; not with Sam sitting in his room, silent and teary-eyed and leaking guilt like an oil spill. (Mom didn't make the cut either, because Dean just… He can’t. It’s another meltdown he had to put on the backburner or it would have eaten him alive.)

Dean didn’t even let himself feel bad when Cas left, all mopey and feeling down. Weighed down as he is, he doesn’t have the capacity to keep more than one person afloat, and if he has to choose, it will be Sam—it will always be Sam.

But he’s not doing a good enough job, clearly.

Another quick, careful glance in Sam’s direction. Sam is facing away, looking out the window into the darkness, or maybe trying to sleep. Completely still, motionless. Dean barely resists the urge to reach out and touch him, make sure he’s even breathing.

He can’t handle the silence, so he turns on the radio. Blind Faith, _Can’t Find My Way Home_.

Okay.

Dean doesn’t change the station. He allows the sadness and hopelessness to wash over him for the three plus minutes the song is playing. Then, too soon and not soon enough, the song is over, the next song comes on and Dean pushes it all down, way down, where he keeps all the things he can’t afford to deal with right now.

Next to him, Sam is still quiet.

Maybe he's right. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Dean keeps his eyes on the road, hands steady on the wheel.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song _Drowning_ which you can listen to on Jensen's album, Radio Company - Vol. 1.
> 
> Comments are appreciated!


End file.
